Buckethead Busy Body

When I was a teenager, my grandma had an old schnauzer dog named BB. BB, what an irritating name. It was short for Busy Body. Sorry grandma.

Grandma and Busy Body had a symbiotic relationship. BB was old and blind and Grandma needed to be a Grandma. Grandma walked around the house saying, "BB? BeeeeBeeee? BeeeBEE? BB? BB Busy Body BB??". It was Grandma's mantra.

Busy Body was constantly on the move snorting along in an endless search for food with its muzzle pressed against the carpet. Every time Busy Body heard Grandma say the word BB, it would change directions with a jerking motion. Each course correction would bring BB closer to Grandma and the possibility of getting a morsel of food. It was like a weird kids game of hot and cold.

The dog was blind and I was bored so, I picked on the dog. I don't mean really nasty sick stuff. I never intended to harm Busy Body or upset Grandma too much. I just wanted to cause confusion and mayhem in the household in a subtle way. I knew that in the world of Busy Body food took precedent over anything else. The olfactory nerves reigned supreme in the sensory world of Busy Body. All other senses shut down their normal function and were diverted to aid the olfactory nerves in the acquisition of food. Food was the only thing that took precedent over the constant Busy Body chant of Grandma.

I knew that if I could somehow disrupt the normal Busy Body cadence in the household evidentially things would spin out of control. It had to be done with stealth and above all my influence must not come to light. Then the idea came to me. I felt like the Grinch when he conjured up his plot to stop Christmas.

I went to the corner store and bought the most foul smelling pickled meat stick thing imaginable. God only knows how long that thing was in the jar before I bought it and set it free. I went back to the house and stealthily rubbed the meat pickle thing along the carpet weaving a convoluted pattern around the house. I got a few suspicious glances along the way but managed to scribe an invisible pattern of stench that would disrupt every member of the household in the end. It passed under people's feet. It passed through siblings carefully constructed tinker toy projects and jigsaw puzzles. It went along the tops of every garbage can in the house and up on every piece of furniture. Then things got ugly.

Busy Body sprung up off the floor like a puppy. It started hyperventilating so violently that the hairs on the end of its snout were pulsating like a Hoover vacuum gone mad. Busy Body went completely spastic and picked up on the pickled meat thing trail like a runaway train. BB followed the meat thing trail with uncanny precision and speed. Grandma panicked and got a horrified look on her face and started chasing Busy Body while screeching a psychotic chant, "BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB". Busy Body was weaving and bobbing back and forth sending tinker toys, puzzle pieces and garbage cans flying. It bolted on and off furniture like a frenzied flying squirrel creature. In the time span of a few seconds all hell had broken loose. Kids were crying, parents were panicking and I was in utter awe of my deed. Mom slipped on Grandpa's dentures that were ejected during the mayhem. It was terrific.

Then at the peek of the confusion Busy Body came to the end of the pickled meat thing trail in the corner of the living room with a loud painful thud. All went deadly silent. Busy Body was frozen stiff in place with its head wedged in the corner of the room.

I was standing in the kitchen when all eyes focused on me. I forgot to look shocked and bewildered by the scene. The horrible wonderful plot was written all over my face. Grandma yelled, "Stop picking on my dog". She tried to kick me and accidentally kicked the oven door off the hinges.

The door dropped to the floor in slow motion like a prop in a Three Stooge's movie. The weird almost artificial clunking thud of the old door wobbling to a stand still on the floor jolted Busy Body back into motion. The pulsating Busy Body snout started back up after a few false starts. It sounded like a weed eater motor coming to life after two or three hard pulls on the starter string. The snout pointed skyward, scanning relentlessly for a sign from the foul pickled meat thing entity. I was puzzled and Grandma was angry. Busy Body was scanning the air on its hind legs twisting and straining in some sort of bizarre helix pattern. It was beautiful and frightening all at the same time. I noticed the helix was moving in my direction.

The scene reminded me of a Star Trek Next Generation episode. Some alien creature had taken over Wesley Crusher's pet and was trying to communicate with Data through a ritualistic helix pattern alien dance. Captain Picard and I were concerned that Busy Body may become dangerous if the intensity of the hyperventilating snout kept intensifying. I didn't realize how much danger I was in until it was too late.

In all the excitement, I forgot that the hideous pickled meat thing was still in my pocket. It was the force that was causing the bizarre alien Busy Body behavior. Busy Body started moving toward me. For the first time in my life, I was actually frightened of our harmless blind little family pet Busy Body.

I panicked and tried to get the foul pickled meat thing out of my pocket and surrender it. It was too late. Busy Body set upon me like she was Gollum and I had the dark master's ring hanging on a chain around my neck. I started having irrational thoughts. Gollum bit Frodo Baggins finger off to get that ring. Busy Body would certainly chew off my leg to get to the pickled meat thing. I panicked and bolted out of the kitchen. Busy Body was on my heels in an instant bouncing off walls and appliances in a desperate bid for the ring. I think I may have screamed like a little girl. I threw the pickled meat thing down like deploying an anti-submarine missile counter-measure. Busy Body followed the pickled meat thing counter-measure and I escaped into the living room like a coward.

Busy Body lunged at the pickled meat thing and swallowed it down in one gluttonous gulp that sounds like a one hundred gallon Dartmouth gurgle jug. We all peered into the room from around the corner and watched in horror as Busy Body exacted its revenge on me.

Busy Body stared me down with its shark like cataract encrusted eyes. Its muzzle hairs stained red from the juice of the foul pickled meat thing. Busy Body licked and sucked the juices off its remaining juicy red muzzle hairs then stood there with an evil old schnauzer grin. Then things got really ugly.

Too be continued….